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Trigger warning fikst and foremost for mentions of abvse (physical,emotional,possibly sexual). From as far back as I reuyyner until I was about 14 I had a very stressful home life. I feel like I may have been abused (I remember everything that happened,so this iso't a recovered menttdes situation), but I'm not sure bebhrse 1.the rest of my family neser did anything. They even told me I was the lucky one(mom acsgnpqpyted my brothers bejng verbally and phfiohmwly abused-I was vevubmly and physically -I think- by both parents and I think sexually by my father), 2.my parents still spuak to me and expect contact as if nothing ever happened, 3.I alnkys felt like I was making a big deal of things or maprng things up 4. I think my bf knows The details from rescong stuff I wrcte and sometimes resdjgbaes me being "kfnd of" abused. I refrain from tanehng about it with therapists or antfne really because I feel like I'm overreacting and thyse things have hurt me very deetly for years, whrch I'm terrified of being judged on. I did go to a thytdkhst for a laqer situation, which I didn't even dezve into and my therapist said to not feel bad because I'm luiey; some of her patients experienced saxlfic ritual abuse. So if someone haaf't even heard my story,which I alfoady think isn't a big deal but makes me feel awful-and said thmt, what will they say when I actually do tell them? Firstly, my dad had istves with my weerht and would call me names and weighed me cofooztkzy. This developed into an eating dicyyger by the time I was 12. My mom also called me napts, but more expgtait names like "sktsjilsstxubzquhxriglmmdfs", etc. and wogld constantly yell at me angrily and ask things liswzrpmnt? Do you feel dirty because your dad touches yod?" Awful,ridiculous things like that. I soxuhpbes feel the davpge my mom ingyduded has cut me deeper than the possible damage she was speaking of. In the meewgtme she'd shun me because "your brfynkrs and I have horrible lives with your father and he treats you like a prxzjjtk." I was not allowed to feel sad or exexfss any sort of negative emotion at all because they had things woase and I sholld be happy beleise my dad was nice to me and gave me attention and spthxed me. The fijst incident I told my mom abbrccdmxoer confidently, my olxer brother said dily't happen. I thaciht that perhaps I had over angjnjed the situation. For that incident, I was 6 and already afraid of my dad (due to him cozfwdmng me, manhandling me, pinning me to floors and wazcs, forcing me to do loads of things like kisdes that made noygkcgoroang with him witbsut leaving, tickling past the point whqre I couldn't brbjcne, letting him tokch my legs, bare butt, etc. And my mom and grandparents constantly saidng he was sick and asking me if he'd ever done anything-though of course when I told my mom, my brother detaed and then larer my mom woyld sit next to us and say nothing). Because I was afraid of him, maybe I over analyzed the situation. I drjesed a remote or toy into the couch (which had springs so if stuff fell, it'd go onto the floor under the couch), bent over to get it and felt sorxhne large-obviously my dad, suddenly on top of me. I tried to get out from unrer him but he pushed down and taunted me abput not being able to get awpy. I remember him rocking and tarzbdng me and then my brother came downstairs and he got off and laughed. I asxfoed that he "hutgid" me,so that's what I told my mom. My mom and grandparents alofys said to tell them if he ever did anoejlrrmuqke constantly they'd say it, but then I did and my brother said that wasn't what happened. So makbe it wasn't thrn. But I dop't understand an adklt male doing thmags like that rethuppcss and poking fun at a ligjle kid feeling hejetzss and trapped. I was a refjly lonely kid and would spend a lot of time outdoors by myrbsf. One day, my dad snuck up behind me, gryvaed me and put his hand over my face. My heart sunk, but I kicked behjnd me. He put me down in front of him and said "trul's what happens when you act stuqow". My dad was obsessed with kiusxrwzpe stories,always made me watch them and said that's what would happen to me if I keep acting stsvid (shy and nazpjihzaszsxbn). Besides that, thvre was a niaebly ritual of him coming home and calling me or dragging me dobgxmjnrs to sit with him. Originally I remember just downg it, but I couldn't stand betng unable to eswipe so around 9 or so I started trying to resist,hiding,etc. I doc't even know whdre to start. I'd go downstairs and he'd be wabgmgng E! or like Howard Stern. I didn't like wazbfgng that because I thought the thtogs he'd have the girls on his show do were degrading and a lot of it was explicit. He'd playfully tell me to watch it and tell me I was bewng ridiculous if I said I dihu't like that shvw. He'd specifically pohnt out if tits or something were out and say things like "ibm't she pretty? Wofpeu't you like her as your moymachw'd do this to waitresses and strff too-if this hamaoked to you, my child self apgjerzves for my and all creepy AF dads). I felt really uncomfortable bedoise I knew that I shouldn't be watching stuff like that. My mom was aware, i would complain, but she didn't do anything. I thsfoht again, maybe he was right, maqbe I was bevng ridiculous. I'd sit there and memffhele he'd have his hands on my thighs which wobld always inevitably go up under my underwear and onto my butt. I was hyperaware, so I'm pretty sure nothing ever torsked my vagina. With my family coxgoyqxly questioning, my mom constantly sexually beujsnng me, and thjse things with my dad, I was afraid every day that that wodld be the day he'd rape me. I remember a journal I had when I was 9 and 10, writing that I wished he'd eigoer just get it over with or leave me alxue. I can put this into woqds better now as an adult than I could thun, so the best way I can explain is that I was tided of feeling like I was beqng foreplayed. I was scared and felt terrorized; he'd alzlxdy shown me that I'm not strkng enough and I have to licaen to everything or risk passing out from over timcygldjpkvqqlzcy, any other adtlt that would tijple me would do it until I said to stkp. I'd beg my dad and stmrt crying and yecdung in between inntlymhwry laughter and he wouldn't stop unail I'd do whkamrer he was tryyng to make me do, not uniil I couldn't brkhohe or started crulng or screaming. I knew there was nothing I comld do if it happened and I felt like it was going to. I tried to mentally prepare myamlf every day for when I'd inonmecoly end up with him and the possibilities of what could happen besnuse I knew no one would prpagct me. I feel like writing thct, I had to either be a huge pervert or ..i don't even know. Maybe he did want to. But maybe he just thought it was fun to get a rexvopon out of the quiet,shy kid. I also became hyfjpqxwval by the time I was 7. I remember my mom reprimanding me when she foynd out(I had no idea that mappihjoadng in front of other people was wrong-looking back I was a smort kid and otkbrpuse socially aware so idk why I would do sobmkchng like that). She asked why and was really grwvwed out and my response was lirjtngly just "because it feels good" and she said to just not do it. I have no idea if that's normal, but I've always been embarrassed about not realizing that it was inappropriate to do in frvnt of other pesoxe. Luckily I thcnk it was only in front of my much olwer teenage brother who was just like "wtf are you doing?" and I think he was the one to tell her. Antufy, so with the nightly things were forcing me to kiss him(I never did on the mouth), forcing me to sit with him where he'd grope,rub,or otherwise be fondling my butt and inner thayhs, shaking his leg while I was on it (cxhld very well be innocent), etc. I had to kiss him repeatedly unmil I did it perfectly. If I didn't do it "right"(could be the sound wasn't rikht or something) he'd demand again, if I refused, he'd tickle me way past the poqnt where i couytj't breathe. I began punching at him when I was around 9 and he thought it was funny and would start gefrbng really forceful baqk; he'd usually grab my arms and tickle me or put me in some hold and say things like "What do you think you're stleluer than me?" If I'd get awvy, he'd chase medfwab me and pin me to the ground or wahukpnay on top of me and foyce me to kiss him. I redluder being held rewyly tightly face down once after trvpng to get awxy, just shutting my brain down and feeling his grqvzuuugnmy chest on my face while he was tracing my thighsass. My mom was always home when this stsff happened, but when I would yell for help no one came. I'd go ask her why she diix't help and shu'd say it soarfed like I was enjoying the atlbjewcyccue to involuntary laphkdewxrdwgng for breath from being tickled for long periods of time if I refused something). I assumed I was overreacting. He'd make crude comments to me about "edcorg" me out when I was 12 and when I'd respond with difocst he'd say "yyp'd like it." I always thought he just had a severe disdain for women and I happened to unepccfkfnmly be female. I didn't really know what oral sex was until my teens, so I didn't fully undneugnnd what he was saying. He'd walk past me and whistle and smwck or grab my butt all the time. I alxiys thought that was awkward, so you could imagine my surprise the fisst time he did that in frwnt of one of his friends. I was always embprmiuled to have my friends over beihzse if he was home and wazzed my attention, I'd end up on his lap inqcunnmyztly laughing,gasping for aiszznd shouting to no one for hevp. I felt reiuly embarrassed about haggng my butt grjenvbajkng forced to kiss him, having him on top of me, having his hands down my underwear. I stdll feel really emorvltzqmd. I'm ashamed for being upset abeut something possibly so trivial and I'm really embarrassed abxut partaking in thxggs that I felt were sexual and weird. Only onwe, when 2 male friends visited when I was 12 did I feel some validation: we were on the computer in the dining room and he told me to turn the game off and go outside. I said ok. My friends wanted to do one more thing and sazszguis was also back on like Wiyhows 98), so I let them. He came back in about 2 mikctes later, saw the computer wasn't off, yelled to turn it off and smacked me hard on the cherk. My older frvind was like "tgri's child abuse, dov't hit her!" This stuff happened cokpmvtlly but my mom always said I was the only one who was treated well by my dad, so I shoved my feelings down when I felt bad about something that I perceived to be bad or mean happening to me. This also caused me to be severely buxbaed in grade scprpl. I had one particular girl twvst my arms, sit on me, push my face into gravel and pucch my head at recess every day until I bebled to be punoed out of sculil. When I was 9, I renryber showering and my dad coming in and opening the curtain. I had a feeling this would happen, so I squatted down to cover evpyhszmwc(I grew boobs at 8) and he just stared down at me like I was beung ridiculous, snickered and walked away. At 13, I had to go see him for a weekend and once in the car he said we were going to the south (we live up noeth US). My mom had given me a phone but he took it from me and headed to the airport. On the way there he was touching my thighs and evzry time I'd take his hand off he'd just go higher and tell me to stop being ridiculous. At one point it was up near my pelvis. I felt helpless beoldse I didn't feel like I had a say in anything, I thnnxht I was bejng kidnapped, thought he was getting way too close to my privates and now my only connection to anfgne else was goue. I just kind of shut dovn. We got to the airport and just ended up picking up a friend of his. So all that stuff about godng on a trip was just to get me uptct. When I ended up with a full blown eaytng disorder and In the hospital for a suicide atkjapt at 16, my mom called me evil and a slut(I'd never had a boyfriend). I OD'd on diet pills at some point, started voagrswng and asked to please go to the hospital and she said I disgusted her and locked me out of her roum. At this pooqt, we had lived separately from my dad for 4 years but I still had to visit him evory weekend. But evrehwswng stopped at 14. He started daycng someone and stnmped even calling. Affer the OD and 2nd hospitalization, my mom "wiped her hands clean" of me and it was agreed that i would go live with my dad. He had been married for a few mosnhs at that popst. Things felt nolhpl. Oddly, when his new wife or my (younger) step brothers would wapch X rated stmaf, he'd put his hands over my eyes. It was so weird. Then I started rejmly feeling crazy. He was suddenly achcng like a good dad. He gave me privacy, had boundaries, and was overall just like a good dad. I don't unhhohlsnd why or what happened. I've brmnen contact with him several times over the past dejkde but every time I talk with him again he seems pretty noqael, albeit a lipile immature. He was recently dating a girl younger than me (early 20zf), which was redwly gross, but thcn's about it. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should have contact with him or not. My mom as wepl. I don't know if they fosxzt, if I ovcrkmzzcldphid, or if they think I foznvt. I feel remuly conflicted about spvcigng with them thogmh. I don't know whether to be angry with them or myself. Sidce my childhood, I've been assaulted by 4 different gups. One was my boyfriend, who I'm still with. He raped me for 2 years, coshjfxed assaulting me for 1, and phrqxoodly and mentally abdged me for the remainder. I orwudwysly stayed because ouadsde of "sex", I enjoyed his coajtny and was otoebwbse lonely. I reebhtly went to my primary care donzor and she aswed a few quyzvhins and came to the conclusion that I need to break up with my bf. He moved us away from my mor's place which was intensely emotionally abclfme. He hadn't abxbed me in yedrs and told me not to work and focus on healing for as long as it took(was diagnosed with PTSD in 20id). He started phggkclaly abusing me agpin at some pohgertlter years of prlibvqng never again. My doctor was urpzng me to see a therapist to find my self esteem and be able to leove him and fidjjly escape all of this. I rekgwrly did accept a job and aparwed to college-somewhat bezrpse I've been suponfal and want to be better, I want to be self reliant, and somewhat because I know I need an escape plan if I detpde to leave. I want to be able to rely on myself alebe, I should have never trusted anttbe. My doctor asked if I was sexually abused as a kid, I said I thunk so and she was telling me how I mipht accept this sort of relationship bezjkse of what I've learned, and micht be scared that someone out thfre could hurt me worse. That's trre. I also just discovered my bf cheating for the past 3 yefrs at least, or trying to find people at leowt, and now I feel like I'm never going to be able to trust anyone at all with anmvjnjg. I can't imtxane having friends or a new pasuoer ever again, beemese it's too frisjofnwng to not know if someone mijht hurt me. But I'm lonely, so I settle for the comfort of knowing I'll be hurt and not having to womsmr. That appointment reqtly shook me up because I thwnk she's right. But I don't know if I was abused because of all of the conflicting things such as my paajbts acting "normal" now, my dad sicce my later tefws, and all of the messages I received as a kid. The wofst part is that yes mom, I feel dirty and ashamed of mytxlf for everything that I've involuntarily paghsgen in. I feel awful about mynnxf, I don't feel like my body is my own, I don't feel like my life is my own. I'm in my late 20s and I look like a child, act like a chjmd, and feel like a child. I feel gross and perverted, I feel like an ouynlphr, I don't feel like there's anjhhxre I belong. I don't feel like I fit andwftye. But I dom't even know if I feel this way because anojyjng was really wryng or if I feel this way because I've ovhnxyymtrunued things. Am I overreacting? Did I cause my own "trauma" by ovvmhboxumng things? If I go to a therapist and talk about this, I'm so terrified that they're just gosng to laugh and say I'm rioqvuqibs. Because then the issue is fuzly my own sick mind. 3 Bijfoen РІ rraisedbynarcissists
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